Does Your Life Reflect Your Values?

I was flying back from vacation, flipping through the audio tracks and came across a talk show where the lady was saying "you can't be living a rich life and living someone else's values". Oh how true.

Many times when people see me about a divorce they are far from taking that final step to start the divorce process.  They are still trying to understand what divorce will mean to  their lifestyle.  Sometimes I see people fixating on appearances, status and material things and not focusing on their own happiness and mental well-being.

If you can have a peaceful evening with the children that is carefree and "fun" it goes a long way to making up for living in a smaller place or having to be more careful about money. Your children really just want mom and dad. They adjust to physical surroundings far quicker than we give them credit for.

Are you living a life in accordance with your values? Do you even know what your values are?  How is your life going to change if you get a divorce? If you're contemplating divorce I would recommend searching your deepest thoughts and feelings about this issue.

A rich inner life beats a rich external life any day.

For Smart Divorce in Texas

Diane M. Wanger
Board Certified Family Law Attorney

www.texasfamilylaw.info

817-285-2855

What Is Collaborative Divorce, Collaborative Law?

Collaborative law is an interdisciplinary divorce process defined by statute in the State of Texas. It is for people who are unable to negotiate and agree to divorce terms on their own but who wish to settle the case outside of court. This process also allows each spouse to have their own legal advocate as well as neutral professionals that strives to guide the parties to  a legal, financial, emotional and fair result that protects their interest. The most definitive aspect of collaborative law is that the professionals that are involved in a collaborative law case do not participate in litigation. 


Collaborative law is an  approach to divorce whereby both parties commit to wanting to settle their case outside of the court process.  The case proceeds by a series of meetings in offices, not at the courthouse. In addition to each party having a collaboratively trained attorney, there is generally one mental health professional who is part of the team working in the role of a family communication specialist (not a therapist). Often there is also a financial specialist whose role is to make sure everyone understands the financial estate and economic repercussions of any settlement.

While the collaborative lawyers are advocating on behalf of their clients within the process, the specialist(s) role is a neutral one. It is exceptionally helpful for people to make decisions about their case when they feel that they are getting neutral information. While it may seem expensive to have so many professionals as part of the divorce process, there are many tasks that the professionals can do, that the attorneys then don't have to do. When that happens, you are paying one person at a lesser hourly rate to do a task that normally two attorneys would perform. That saves money. The cost of a collaborative law compares favorably with a moderately litigated case and allows the parties to maintain control. 


In collaborative law the process is very scripted and it is easy to know at any point in the process where you have been and where you are going. While not for everyone, collaborative law is a fantastic choice for people who want a truly custom divorce that is respectful and forward focused. Collaborative law is a niche product. There are attorneys who advertise the process, but they neither believe in it, nor are they skillful at it. 


If you're interested in more information about the Collaborative Law Process for your divorce and you live in the DFW,  Texas area call my office for an appointment (817-285-2855).  Also, Collaborativepractice.com and Collablawtexas.com are great websites that can explain more about the process.  I suggest reading through those sites before even seeing an attorney.


For Smart Divorce in Texas
Diane M. Wanger
304 Harwood Road
Bedford, Texas 76021www.texasfamilylaw.info

817-285-2855

Why You Need a Counselor during Divorce

Divorce-the act of disconnecting your identity from that of another person. 

It's is a pretty major move when we talk about changing our identity. It can be unsettling for the person who is affirmatively seeking divorce. For the person to whom divorce is the  farthest thing from their minds, it can be downright frightening and gut wrenching. Really, isn't it hard enough to figure out who "we are" beyond the roles that we play of spouse, parent, co-worker. How much harder then is it to try to figure out who we will be when the divorce is final. Our roles do change with divorce. How they will change is not so easily perceived when we're in the middle of the divorcing process. This uncertainty of identity/roles can lead to making decisions during the divorce that do not always serve our highest interest. How can we make an informed, well thought out decision when we see our old life slipping away under someone else's control?

One of the reasons I suggest counseling to my clients is that a good counselor is able to help put events in perspective, provide coping mechanisms, help you craft the identity that you want after divorce. Doesn't the idea of a knowledgeable professional or two being on your team to get you from point A to point B sound attractive? Not only do you not have to do it alone, you will likely do it with less heartache for you and your children with knowledgeable professionals helping you. Divorce in the best of circumstances is a difficult process to go through. 

Please see a counselor. Even before you even file. It is a great thing you can do for yourself and your family and it sets you up for a more successful divorce.

For Smart Divorce in Texas

Diane M. Wanger

www.texasfamilylaw.info

817-285-2855

Divorce and Loss - Divorce and Gain

Divorce is really a challenge to go through.  I like to pass on writings that I find elsewhere that I think are pertinent to someone finding themselves facing divorce.  These will not always be related to the law.  Here is the first.

A Zen master said, “Now that my house has burned down, I have a much better view of the sky.” 

Sometimes when something we thought we needed is taken away, the space reveals riches we were missing because we were distracted by our assumed source of security. . . . We can choose fear or love, with no real options in between. You can go into panic and insecurity, or . . you can relax into security of a higher order than the one we have been trained to depend on. Shakeup can lead to breakup or it can lead to wakeup. Let’s use the experience as a call to remember how we were born to live. Devastation, personally or geographically, is never an end. It is always a means to a greater end. For everything taken away, something greater comes to replace it.  Alan Cohen  http://www.alancohen.com/articles/betterviewofthesky.htm  

By clinging to security we can miss things that we cannot conceive of from where we stand now.   Be open to change because you can't always do anything about it. 

For Smart Divorce in Texas

Diane M. Wanger (Divorcing people since 1983)

www.texasfamilylaw.info

817-285-2855

Avoid zugzwang in Divorce

I ran across a new word the other day, zugzwang, that has an interesting application to divorce. The word means "a situation where a player is limited to moves which have a damaging effect". Hmmm. What does that have to do with divorce you might ask? My idea in teaching people how to have a Smart Divorce in Texas is so that they can avoid just that, zugzwang. Although I don't claim to have ever heard of the word until I ran into it the other day, I see the signs of the condition with more regularity than I would wish at the courthouse.

People don't understand that once they are moving toward divorce, whether it is filed or not, every action or inaction they take, every conversation they have with their future ex-spouse, their selection of professionals, all are part of the negotiation of their divorce. Moves should be strategic not haphazard or an emotional reaction "in the moment." You don't want to be two years into a divorce having spent your entire estate on attorneys fees and looking at a choice of possible resolutions of your case that are all your worst-case scenario.

In future posts I will talk more specifically on how to minimize the chance of finding yourself "zugzwanging".

For Smart Divorce in Texas

Diane M. Wanger (Divorcing people since 1983)

www.texasfamilylaw.info

817-285-2855

Paternity Statute Changes in Texas

There has been a major change in the ability of a father to deny paternity in Texas. Previously if a man did not deny paternity and request genetic testing at the time of a lawsuit concerning paternity of the child, the ability to deny paternity would be lost.

The legislature has now said that a father can deny paternity at any point in time if there has never been genetic testing. Folks, this is a really big.  I have heard of statistics that say that 25% of children born in a marriage are not the biological child of the husband. I don't know if that's a true statistic, but this statute now allows a man to deny paternity after a divorce is final. If the results of the genetic testing show that he is not the father he can file suit for that determination and terminate child-support.


For Smart Divorce in Texas

Diane M. Wanger (Divorcing people since 1983)

www.texasfamilylaw.info

817-285-2855

Alimony in Texas Increased

Wow, just returned from the 37th Annual Advanced Family Law Conference in San Antonio where 1000+ family lawyers converged to stay up-to-date with the law and best practices. Because this was a legislative year, there were a number of changes in the law that dramatically affect family law. Two significant ones were in the area of alimony and paternity.


In the area of alimony there is a huge increase in and the benefits available to spouses under the rewritten alimony statute. The maximum amount of alimony allowed has increased to $5000 up from $2500 or 20% whichever is less. The potential duration of alimony has also increased to 10 years from 3 years based on the length of marriage. The lawyers who worked with the lobbyists in getting the statute changed told us that the purpose behind the statute was rehabilitative in nature. What that means is that the purpose behind the granting of alimony is to provide an opportunity for a former spouse to acquire skills and education immediately after the divorce so as to better be able to support themselves in the future.

There are also new factors that the court can consider in the granting or denying of alimony. One of these that appears quite frequently in my divorce cases is the issue of infidelity. The infidelity factor applies to both the potential payor and payee. There are a number of confusing things about the statute, so it will be interesting to see how the law will actually turn out to work in the courts of Tarrant County.

When you select an attorney, play close attention to their experience in your county with the family law judges. That kind of attention to selecting an attorney contributes to a Smart Divorce in Texas.

For Smart Divorce in Texas

Diane M. Wanger (Divorcing people since 1983)

texasfamilylaw.info

817-285-2855

What is a Smart Divorce in Texas?

Why did I name my blog for divorce in Texas? Because I wanted to stress that there are choices to be made when going through divorce. We want them to be ones that benefit us over all, in a multitude of areas, financial, emotional, relational. It requires a lot of thought to put together a comprehensive plan of how to divorce that thinks this all through. That is a Smart Divorce.

The way I see my role as a divorce attorney is to lead my client from being married to being single in a way that allows for this inquiry, if that is what is wanted.  Come see me and I will show you how.

For Smart Divorce in Texas

Diane M. Wanger

texasfamilylaw.info

817-285-2855

Overwhelmed during divorce? Take little steps.

When I was in Alaska I took a shuttle up to climb Flattop Mountain which overlooks Anchorage. Why am I telling you this? Well, I used to be in superb shape, both in strength and cardio. The last 3 to 4 years have been an adjustment downwards in ability.  Anyway, this hike was an extraordinarily difficult for me, at least based upon the expectations I had for myself. I was constantly wanting to quit. But I didn't. I adjusted by just making my goal little steps-make it up that flight of railroad ties, go just to that rock. That put the task into discrete little parts that seem doable. They all added up to summiting.

Divorce can be like that. Overwhelming, where you just want to quit. Quitting is not an option in the same way that climbing a mountain is. Still, taking one step at a time and then resting is more doable than thinking about the entire task ahead of you.

If you're feeling overwhelmed by your divorce, talk to your attorney or counselor about how to break down the steps into discrete understandable steps. You do have a counselor don't you? That's a conversation for another day -why you need a counselor when going through divorce.

Well, I made it it up and down the mountain eventually-and then I had a 13 mile bike ride back to town. Did I tell you that I was exhausted when I returned?

Oh, did I mention that the weather was in the 60s to 70s? Heaven.

For Smart Divorce in Texas

Diane M. Wanger

www.texasfamilylaw.info

817-285-2855

Alaska is a Cool place to Update Legal Skills for Divorce

I just got back from Alaska going to continuing educational training on collaborative law. For those that don't know, that is a way of doing a divorce or other dispute, outside of the court system. It is always inspiring to me to see how different people handle the skills necessary to do my job well. Collaborative law  more than a traditional practice of law emphasizes the importance of effective communication.

My 28 years of practice shows me that lack of communication skills is a huge contributing factor to marriage breakups. A significant advantage to collaborative law over traditional divorce litigation is that it is interdisciplinary.  That means we use for example, mental health practitioners as "family relationship specialists" or "communication facilitators" and financial specialists.  This allows many needs divorcing people have to be met in a way that would never be addressed during a more standard divorce process.

I'm really impressed that the collaborative law movement is aware of the cutting edge of science and its relevance to our practice. In October of this year, the International Association of Collaborative Professionals is having the annual forum which I hope to attend. It features as the keynote speaker a Dan Ariely, abehavioral economist. He studies the brain and how it works vis-à-vis decision-making. This is an understanding hugely important in my being able to better serve my clients.

Oh, did I mention that the weather was in the 60s to 70s? Heaven.

For Smart Divorce in Texas


Diane M. Wanger
www.texasfamilylaw.info
817-285-2855